I survived therapist sexual abuse too.

Hello everyone. My name is Maria. I thought I would introduce myself as a new contributor to Surviving Therapist Abuse.  Its been almost two years since I ended the sexually exploitive “therapy”/relationship with a psychiatrist.  It has been the hardest part of my journey in life thus far.  I have written my story and will be posting it here soon.  I want to thank everyone who has shared their stories and made comments.  You helped me in my journey of recovery and in figuring out if I should report or not report.  I chose to report. I will be posting what I can about my legal processes as I chose to report my abuse to law enforcement, licensing, and to pursue a civil case.

What I will be sharing will be eclectic, but mostly what I am learning about my healing journey.  I am looking forward to contributing my experience in hopes you all will find something supportive and helpful in your journeys.

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2 Comments

  1. HI, Maria: THank you so much for sharing. I am still trying to find the courage to confront my therapist……..sexual innuendo, touching, etc…..I have a long list, and a letter I plan to give him. I would rather not post what happened here, but if you see this message I would be grateful if you would contact me: carleton@oakland.edu. Thank you so much!

  2. Hi, Maria: I decided to post what happened with my therapist (psychologist). I am working on getting the courage to give him the letter (at the bottom). Thank you for sharing your story……..Sincerely, Alice

    Below is a long list of what my t said and did to sexualize our relationship. I am still working on confronting him.

    Do you want to get kissed, do you want to get naked, get laid?
    Who wouldn’t fall in love with you?!
    My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far but I will never abandon you.
    How is it every week you take me on a journey where I should not go?
    This is beginning to look like a personal relationship.
    It is hard for US to end the session and hard for US to say goodbye.
    If I gave you the green light, would you go for it?
    I’ve failed you and I need to work on that.
    Something between us could happen if I was feeling sad or lonely.
    You fit right under my arm.
    Every man in your life has failed you.
    I like curves (he said, “God’s curves”)
    I am afraid I am going to fall and it would ruin my life.
    I know that you would make a wonderful love partner.
    Do you think that if I kissed you it would take away the pain?
    I am human and can be tempted.
    I am curious, torn scared and conflicted.
    I need to check myself and make sure I am not exploiting you physically, emotionally or financially.
    If I were to stick my tongue down your throat, you would reject me.
    (Pouring water in my glass): Let me fill you up, in a manner of speaking.
    You are in my heart and in my head.
    Are you wearing a bra? Having an orgasm?
    Motioning me with his hands: Bring it on
    If I were not married, I would probably go for it.
    Held hands, fingers interlocking.
    Where do you like to be kissed?
    Would you want to have sex with a married man?
    Men see purity and innocence in you.
    You are so much fun to play with.
    Who WOULDN’T fall in love with you?!
    I had marshmallows in my mouth and e said: ‘You have quite a capacity…has your mouth slipped off anything else?
    Asked why he was (stroking he leg) self-pleasuring. He said, “I do that when I am around you.”
    We haven’t discussed OUR orgasm.
    Your cup runneth over
    I am killing you.
    Let me find that sweet sot
    A hand could get lost down there
    You are a fire
    You have hair like a movie star
    It is not a me thing, but an US thing
    Do you want me to see your nipples?
    Do you like undressing for men?
    Did he (boyfriend) slip you the tongue?
    Ever had your picture taken in the nude?
    You have an agile tongue.
    Hooked his elbow around my knee and tried to flip me
    I touched his nipples and he said, ‘Are they hard?” He said his nipples ae hard ALL of the time .
    3 things that turn him on: oral sex, hands all over his body and undressing him.
    Invited me to unbutton his shirt and said, ‘It wouldn’t be that much of a boundary violation..”
    Told him I thought he was “lonely and hungry”—He said, ‘your evidence/’
    Smelled my wrist and slid his face up to my elbow.
    Doesn’t like to fight his feelings and if he were ever to touch me he would be “toast.”
    If feeling sad or lonely he could take me in his arms and it would be “all over.
    You are “passionate, enchantress, angel, elegant, lovely, naïve, wild, crazy, photogenic, spitfire, flirt, seductive and alluring.
    You are emotionally sensitive.
    My poetry is a “masterpiece” to the world.
    I missed you.
    I allow for the possibility of surprises.
    You are not out of my head once we leave (you are in my heart and in my head) ,
    You have been blessed; you can show me more, I wont be offended…in regards to my cleavage.
    Can’t believe you don’t know about your power over men.
    Admitted my perceptions were correct about him being hungry and lonely.
    He is aware of how “hard, soft and what is touching when we hug.”
    Drove me home and we sat listening to Yanni (blasting on the radio!) eating chocolate with the moon roof down: he said, ‘If I were your date, I would walk you to the door and shake your hand. “
    Put a lei on me and said, ‘It doesn’t mean much without the kiss.”
    Said, “move your breasts” twice.
    Erections make him feel “alive..”
    I’d push you against the wall and you’d be naked before you hit the wall.
    You’d like to be nailed to the wall.
    I might kiss you.
    I trust you with my life.
    That is what will happen….we will get married?
    Said it would be “pleasureable to make love to me.”
    He felt scared and pleasure at whaat happened between us.
    I almost touched your softness.
    You touched my penis.
    If you kiss me…then you kiss me.
    Holding my wrists and pulling me on top of him.

    You just want me to chase you down and go after you.

    He did role reversal and became “me.” I was SO in shock:
    You are in love with me but just won’t say it. Would you like to F….me? Can’t we be F…buddies? Aren’t my breasts beautiful? Wouldn’t you like to touch them? Can I give you a blow job; sit on my lap; can we take off our clothes?

    There is much more (years and years), but you get the drift!

    Below is the letter I wrote, but haven’t given to him:

    Dear……:

    People are what they do, not what they say. You said you didn’t like to play with fire. For years now you have been playing with fire. Tempting, teasing, tormenting and torturing me, while you could walk away back to your happy little life unscathed. You gave me mixed messages: come here,, go away..I want you, I don’t… Fortunately for me I am a strong woman, but not made of steel. I was authentic in my conversation and feelings for you. You were not. You had your cake and ate it too. My love was pure and from the soul; you have a lust thing going on; I resent that you played fast and loose with my emotions, heart and soul. That is sadistic. You walked away every week, with a “have a nice week”—Talk about surreal, like the teasing, sexual flirting never happened. You have thrown me on the couch, laid on top of me and said “Do you want to feel my full body weight?” You pulled my wrists and pulled me on top of you…that is only a few of the 100’s of sexual behavior/teasing you did to me. I imagine your family, friends, colleagues and students wouldn’t believe how you behaved with me. You are delusional if you think you are faithful. I usually know what session the guilt will get to you, and that you will be cold, withdrawn, with the Sybil persona. I sit there in misery. You played with my emotions, heart and soul. I was a woman who loved you with a pure heart. You have been unfaithful and cheating for years.

    You have given me so many “green lights” I should be blind by now.

    You sexualized our relationship x years ago, physically and verbally. I guess you had nothing to lose; play with me and leave. I had to process and go through myriad emotions; confusion, anger, sadness, frustration and hatred.

    If you are happiiy married then help me understand how you have been coming on to me for years. What needs of yours am I meeting? What is missing in your life? I know that if I were in love with someone, there is no way I would be flirting, teasing with another man, let alone as a therapist in a professional setting.

    If you weren’t happily married and struggling with your feelings for me, I could forgive that.

    If you ARE happily married and playing with my mind/seductive behavior, I will NEVER forgive that.

    It was your responsibility to remain professional. You CHOSE to behave sexually towards me: Sexual misconduct.

    I could have dealt with my feelings for you on my own, but you dragged me into YOUR struggle.

    All of your degrees, etc., don’t mean anything. People think they know you. Fortunately for you, I won’t reveal the dark/sexual side you have shown me. How nice for you. great professional life, family, instructor, pastor, but it is all a SHAM.

    The miracle is not that I haven’t acted on my feelings, but that I haven’t in spite of all you have done to ENCOURAGE my feelings.

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