Periodically I get comments from people who think that I’m lying about what happened with Dr. T, that I made everything up, that I just want attention, blah, blah, blah. They go on their rant, threaten to discredit me—whatever. It happened again this week.
Generally I let this stuff go, since I know that the people who say these things have their own hurt and anger that they can’t or don’t want to deal with—so I end up being the target of their projections. There’s no point in trying to defend or justify anything—that just gives them more ammunition. They’ve already made up their mind what the “truth” is, so why should I waste my energy trying to explain anything? That just adds fuel to the fire.
But now I’m kind of pissed, so I’m gonna say something. And that is: Who would make this shit up? And why?
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I created this site back in 2009. I did it for two reasons:
- Because no one understood what I was going through and I wanted to speak my piece.
- Because I wanted to provide resources and support for others who might possibly be going through the same thing. I wanted them to feel less alone.
Was I expecting a response? Heck no! I honestly did not think anyone would find the site. Why would anyone even be looking for it? I was stunned the first time someone left a comment. And gratified that they appreciated what I was saying and offering.
At the same time, I was shocked and saddened to discover that there were others who’d been through the same kinds of experiences that I had. This was completely unexpected. And it was horrifying.
I continued to write about my experience.
But here’s a secret. Every time I pressed that little “Publish” button that would make my post go live, I was absolutely terrified. What if people hated it? Hated me? Ridiculed me? Every time I published a post I pretty much expected to get vilified by someone who would’t get it, wouldn’t understand why therapist abuse was even an issue, wouldn’t have any empathy or compassion for me. I had that fear and dread with every post, and every time I published in spite of it. And the result is this website.
Exactly what do you think I got out of putting my story out there? Attention? Ha ha ha ha ha…!
I can tell you that the total number of visitors to this site over the last several years is a tiny, tiny fraction of what “popular” websites and blogs get in one day. And why would I subject myself to potentially devastating public humiliation?? Being a victim is not exactly sexy, and it’s certainly not an ego boost!
Do you think I’m making money from this site? Ha ha ha ha ha…!
Occasionally, people have suggested that I monetize the site. Do you see any advertising here? Good grief! Can you imagine seeing ads in the sidebar? Yuck! Yes, I have an Amazon store…which people rarely purchase from. Almost all the website fees have come out of my pocket unless some blessed soul makes a donation. There were times when I continued paying the webhosting fees when I really couldn’t afford to be paying the webhosting fees because it was important to me to keep the site going—not for me, but because, well, how many sites are there that deal with therapist abuse?? Where would people go??
Still, I have wondered about whether to keep the site going. For me, there is so much water under the bridge regarding what I refer to as “my situation” with Dr. T that I rarely think about this stuff anymore. Really. I have moved far enough beyond it that the only thing that keeps the memories alive is….this website. So yes, I have repeatedly wondered what it would be like to pull the plug. I haven’t. I do very much value this website as a resource site for those in need, so I think it’s important to keep it going, in one way or another.
This week a reader decided to push some buttons. She went on a rant about how I must be making it all up and an expert said this and that and blah blah blah—and then let me know that she’d figured out who Dr. T is and that she was getting in touch with him to get his side of the story.
In the interest of letting people see their comments go live right away, I choose not to moderate comments unless they contain links. (This may now change…) So when this comment showed up, I first chose to let it remain. And then I asked myself Why should I? Who would actually benefit from reading this? Because even though I was able to let it go and move on, I worried that it would be triggering for others. Because isn’t this every therapist abuse victim’s greatest fear? To be called a liar, to have someone threaten to publicly “out” you, to even have someone say they’re going to get in touch with the perpetrator in order to discredit you? So I made the decision to “unapprove” the comment. You may argue with me about this and say Well, why would you do that? Is it because what she’s saying is true and you’re scared? Again: Why would anyone make this shit up??
The funny thing is, even if I had made all this up (and put all this time, energy and money into a complete fabrication), so what? Who cares? Because frankly, a lot of people have benefited from this website. So why hurt them?
I value and appreciate everyone who has spent time reading the blog and using this website. I never thought anyone would find it and I feel so grateful every time someone comments or writes to me and says what a benefit it’s been. That is the greatest reward I could possibly receive. And I think it’s wonderful when people from this community of survivors step up and support each other. I am so glad that you have found each other! This is truly what keeps this site going. If I didn’t think that people still needed this site, it would be gone in a heartbeat. I’m the owner. I pay the bills. I maintain it. I keep the site going not because I have to or need to but because I care about the visitors—the people who need it. That’s the choice I’ve made and the choice I continue to make.
So there’s my rant. Take it or leave it.
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Love and blessings to all of you!