Do You Need Help?
The following is excerpted from the booklet Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex published by the California Department of Consumer Affairs.
Warning Signs
In most sexual abuse or exploitation cases, other inappropriate behavior comes first. While it may be subtle or confusing, it usually feels uncomfortable to the patient. Some clues or warning signs are:
- Telling sexual jokes or stories.
- “Making eyes at” or giving seductive looks to the patient.
- Discussing the therapist’s sex life or relationships excessively.
- Sitting too close, initiating hugging, holding the patient or lying next to the patient.
Another warning sign is “special” treatment by a therapist, such as:
- Inviting a patient to lunch, dinner or other social activities.
- Dating.
- Changing any of the office’s business practices (for example, scheduling late appointments so no one is around, having sessions away from the office, etc.).
- Confiding in a patient (for example, about the therapist’s love life, work problems, etc.).
- Telling a patient that he or she is special, or that the therapist loves him or her.
- Relying on a patient for personal and emotional support.
- Giving or receiving significant gifts.
- Providing or using alcohol (or drugs) during sessions.
Signs of inappropriate behavior and misuse of power include:
- Hiring a patient to do work for the therapist, or bartering goods or services to pay for therapy.
- Suggesting or supporting the patient’s isolation from social support systems, increasing dependency on the therapist.
- Any violation of the patient’s rights as a consumer (see “Patient Bill of Rights”).
Therapy is meant to be a guided learning experience, during which therapists help patients to find their own answers and feel better about themselves and their lives. A patient should never feel intimidated or threatened by a therapist’s behavior.
If you are experiencing any of these warning signs, trust your own feelings. Check on the therapist’s behavior with a different therapist, or with any of the agencies in “Where To Start” (below). Depending on what you find out, you may want to find another therapist.
What If It’s Me?
If you have been sexually abused or exploited by your therapist, you may be feeling confused. You may feel:
- Guilty and responsible — even though it’s the therapist’s responsibility to keep sexual behavior out of therapy.
- Mixed feelings about the therapist — protectiveness, anger, love, betrayal.
- Isolated and empty.
- Distrustful of others or your own feelings.
- Fearful that no one will believe you or understand what happened, or that someone will find out.
- Confused about dependency, control and power.
You may even have nightmares, obsessive thoughts, depression, or suicidal or homicidal thoughts. You may feel overwhelmed as you try to decide what to do or whom to tell.
It’s essential that you face what happened. This may be painful, but it is the first major step in healing and recovering from the experience. You may have positive and negative feelings at the same time, such as starting to feel personal control, being afraid of what may happen in the future, remembering the experience, and feeling relieved that the sexual relationship is over.
The second step in the healing process is to decide what YOU want to do next. Try to be open-minded about your options.
Remember: It doesn’t matter if you, the patient, started or wanted the sexual involvement with the therapist. Therapists are responsible for keeping sexual intimacy out of the therapy relationship and are trained to know how to handle a patient’s sexual attractions and desires.
Where To Start
You may need to (1) talk to someone who will understand what you’re going through, (2) get information on whether the therapist’s behavior was illegal and/or unethical, and (3) find out what you can do about it. Three places to get help are:
- Licensing Boards — In the Department of Consumer Affairs, three different boards license therapists. They can give general information on appropriate behavior for therapists and your rights for reporting what happened, as well as how to file a complaint.
- Sexual Assault/Crisis Centers — These centers have staff trained in all types of sexual abuse and exploitation. They can provide general information on appropriate behavior for therapists, crisis services, your rights for reporting what happened, and names of therapists and support groups that may be helpful. Look in your telephone book under “sexual assault center” or “crisis intervention service.”
- Professional Associations — Each licensed therapy profession has at least one professional association. Associations can provide general information on appropriate behavior for therapists, your rights for reporting what happened, and how to file a complaint. They can provide names of therapists who may be helpful.
What You Can Do
You can deal with your situation in several different ways. Take time to explore all of your rights and options. It may help to decide what your goals are:
Reporting the Therapist — Perhaps you want to prevent the therapist from hurting other patients. You may want to make it known that sexual exploitation is always wrong. If this is your decision, you have several reporting options. It is important to note that reporting misconduct is time-sensitive. What can be done in response to the report of misconduct usually depends on:
— who the misconduct is reported to, and
— the length of time between the misconduct and when the report was filed.
Such a time limit is called a “statute of limitations.” As you consider your options, be aware of these time limits.
Your Recovery — You may also want to explore and process what happened between you and the therapist. If you decide to do this, you can look into therapy or support groups.
Moving On — You may wish simply to move on past this experience as quickly as possible and get on with your life. Remember — you have the right to decide what is best for you.
Your Reporting Options
If you decide to report a therapist’s behavior that you believe is unethical and illegal, there are four different ways to do so. All of these reporting options are affected by time limits, so you should consider reporting misconduct at the earliest appropriate opportunity. You may choose one or more of the options listed below.
- Administrative Action — File a complaint with the therapist’s licensing board.
- Professional Association Action — File a complaint with the ethics committee of the therapist’s professional association.
- Civil Action — File a civil lawsuit.
- Criminal Action — File a complaint with local law enforcement.
From Professional Therapy Never Includes Sex Copyright 2004, California Department of Consumer Affairs.
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Is there really anything to do about exploitation by an online therapist? They are unregulated and feed on each other. This one charged for therapist sessions where we only visited, borrowed a substantial amount of money for a down payment on a home, and had a sexual relationship with me from early on which went from non-physical to physical. I asked another online therapist about this abuse and received no help. Instead just the opposite as they only tried to justify the actions of the first. Is there really any help for us?
I had a similar experience. My advice is to only seek face to face counseling and then only after thoroughly checking out the professional. There are many professionals who practice this type of deceit who hold many degrees (some of them fake).
Good luck and God bless you in your attempt to find justice in an unjust world.
I definitely agree that it is always a good idea to thoroughly check out the professional. First, check their license. If any licensing actions have been taken against them, that will be listed on the page with their license information. You can also Google them to see if anything comes up.
I also think it’s important to shop around and not just automatically go with the first therapist you talk to, which is what I’ve often done in the past. It’s SO important to find someone who’s a good fit and feels right to you. When I was looking for a new therapist for my EMDR work, I got referrals from people I trusted, including other therapists. I called about ten people and had phone conversations with them of at least 5-10 minutes. I developed a list of questions—information that I wanted to know from them about how they worked and what kind of boundaries they had—and I asked those questions. Then, based on our conversations, how they answered my questions, and whether I liked talking to them, I decided whether I wanted to meet with them. Some people sounded good, but had limited availability, so I asked them for referrals. I had sessions with two or three different people before landing my current therapist, who I think is just great. It was a lot of work, but I’m really glad I did it. I also learned to pay attention to things that weren’t feeling quite right about the others and to notice how I was feeling/reacting after the session. If I felt uncomfortable or really reactive, then that was that. I needed someone I could trust and feel comfortable with. Again, it seems like a lot of work and can feel frustrating, but it is SO worth it in the end.
Wow, that’s a good question. Is this person licensed? I would check with their licensing board and with any professional organizations they’re affiliated with. But I suggest talking to a lawyer first. I have some names on my Legal page. You could try contacting one of them and see what they say. Good luck! Let me know what you find out.
How about a court-ordered therapist (single woman) having lunch with the patient while he tells her about the $1000 gift he is getting for her, which then requires weeks of emails and phone calls back and forth? This is happening to me with my husband and his single therapist, who is much older than I am. He has been secretive about the gift and didn’t tell me about the lunch right away. He had mentioned wanting to do something nice to his therapist, who he claims has praised his wisdom repeatedly. She is “learning” so much from him. Kind of makes me a little woozy to think about it. Is this behavior OK?
Ooh, no, I don’t think that’s okay…!
Since I’m not an attorney, I can’t give you legal advice on this. But I think you should definitely bring it to someone’s attention. Gifts—either from the therapist to the patient or that the therapist accepts from the patient—are not appropriate. Those two are definitely missing some boundaries in their relationship. Can you talk to someone associated with the court about this?
Feel free to keep me posted. I’d like to know what happens and how this gets resolved. I wish you all the best! ~Kristi
I am a 53 y/o male who was sexually exploited by a ‘new age’ therapist in 1973 when I was 17.
Where can a person go for therapy to get over their therapy?
Hi Tom,
You’ve kind of hit the nail on the head. That’s an issue for many people. It can be very hard to trust another therapist once you’ve been abused or exploited by a therapist, yet it’s often the path to healing. I want to acknowledge you for your courage in wanting to move forward in your healing process.
I would highly recommend getting referrals from people you know whom you trust. You may be able to get referrals from local abuse/violence organizations, rape crisis centers, etc. There are also online therapist directories that you could search, though I think referrals are a better way to go.
Develop a list of questions so that you can interview potential therapists on the phone. From there you can decide whether or not you want to meet them in person. For myself, the interviewing aspect was really important; there were a lot of things I wanted to know before I would consider meeting the person. And I paid close attention to red flags and triggers and honored what came up for me. I think it’s important to find someone who specializes in trauma and has experience with abuse, exploitation, and those kinds of power dynamics. For myself, I’ve found EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) invaluable in dealing with trauma, so you may want to consider an EMDR therapist. There are other good trauma-resolution methods too.
Best of luck to you in your search! May you find someone who’s a great fit!
If anyone else has good ideas for Tom, please leave a comment.
My daughter went with her father for the week. While she was there, he filed an order for custody and also took my daughter to a counselor. The counselor wrote a letter for him to take to court saying it was in the best interest of the child to never have any contact with her mother. The counselor had never meet me, nor did she know anything about me. She had only met my daughter for that one hour. I am a professional woman that has never been in any kind of trouble and I have always had the best interest for my daughter. This letter could have had a huge impact on our life. Is this not misconduct on the counselors part? The court did give our daughter back to me.
Hi Leka,
That sounds like a horrible situation. I don’t have experience with this type of custody/counseling proceeding so I’m not sure what to suggest. Perhaps you could discuss this with the counselor’s licensing board and/or an attorney. Good luck!
Any specific suggestions for helping a survivor of therapist abuse who repressed her experience/feelings about it for many years before getting to the point where she can begin to process it? As a therapist I can certainly help her heal emotionally, but I need suggestions on how my client can deal with her need to advocate for herself, when the statutes of limitation have long ago run out, so she can no longer seek legal or ethics board redress.
While I’m not a therapist, I know from experience how difficult it is when those feelings and emotions have been repressed and are stuck in our bodies. Personally, I favor approaches that deal more directly with the body and the nervous system—EMDR, somatic therapy, and mind-body techniques for example. But it’s really individual to each person and depends on how they handle trauma, whether they’re a high somatizer, how much dissociation there is, etc. For some people, talk therapy and cognitive approaches are sufficient, but that’s not been the case for me. I also think that helping the person develop boundaries, become more grounded, and work through any co-dependency issues can be extremely valuable.
You might find some good information on the TELL (Therapy Exploitation Link Line) website, since it was developed by therapists. Also, AdvocateWeb does have a forum, though I don’t know how active it is currently, if your client wants to communicate with other survivors. Of course, she’s welcome here, too!
Hi,
I’m Bipolar II and have an anxiety disorder/agoraphobia.
My therapist did not have sex with me, but he made inappropriate comments (that I had “nice tits” etc), gave me gifts (including paying for me to have a haircut and my eyebrows plucked and clothing), told me a LOT about his personal problems – far more than was appropriate about his ex-wives, children, and girlfriends, pressured me to date another client of his (who had psychotic episodes), gave this client my personal information without my knowledge or permission, and encouraged me to sever ties with my family – I had a rocky relationship with my mother at the time.
With a lot of pressure, I ended up dating the other client even though I had firmly expressed SEVERAL times that I wasn’t interested in persuing romance – I wanted to be more mentally healthy and focus on being stable – and he insisted repeatedly that I must have been sexually abused because I wasn’t interested. He spent several sessions of “therapy” telling me ALL about the other client and that if I ever REALLY wanted to get better I needed to have a relationship with this person and that I needed to have sex or something was “wrong” with me and framing it as though this was the only thing that could help me. He also discouraged me from trying new medications even though the ones I was taking did not help me. He claims he is Bipolar and didn’t need medication, so I didn’t either.
I ended up dating this other client, having my first sexual experiences, and living together all inside a very short space of time with my therapist encouraging me and the other client (now my ex) and breaking confidentiality on both ends – telling my ex things that I had said in session and vice versa.
I mean I suppose I consented to the relationship, but I also sort of feel like I wasn’t properly able to give consent under the circumstances with that kind of pressure (“Emily, you just don’t want to get better!” and similar comments).
I saw him from when I was 17 until I was 21. My last session was about a year ago – by that point I sort of realized that things were wrong and I spoke to my mother about it (she’s a mental health professional) and she told me I was right, it WAS completely wrong.
I’m living with my mother in North Carolina and I’m trying to get stabilized but I was really unstable for at least six months after that and I’m still a bit of a mess. My current psychiatrist still thinks I’m having some kind of PTSD – I tried talking to another therapist (female this time, hoping it would help) to deal with it, but I had nightmares and panic attacks before every session or else I just wouldn’t sleep at all.
Does anybody know what the statute of limitations on this sort of thing is in Michigan? Or somewhere that might be able to find a good attorney? I’ve been trying to file a complaint with the state, but they won’t send me my records.
I don’t know if my ex would be willing to corroborate any of this, since he bought into a lot of it – and still does, I think. He’s sort of . . . easily led? He adopted the therapist’s viewpoints on most things. It was I broke up with him – the relationship was just so completely bizarrely enmeshed and unhealthy.
I’m on SSI now and I’ve got to say money would be nice and everything, but my main priority if at all possible I want to make it so that he can never practice again or hurt anybody else.
Emily
Hi Emily,
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through! I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you have Complex PTSD. I commend you on your willingness to take action. I recommend you contact an attorney as soon as possible, as the statute of limitations may be one year. You could contact any of those listed on my Legal page and they would be able to help you figure out your best course of action. (I can personally vouch for Joe George, as he was my own attorney.)
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Kristi
Thank you Kristi,
I’ve been doing some reading and it says that a motion to ignore (I’m not sure of the correct terminology) the statute of limitations is sometimes successful. One paper I read said “Our basic theory is that the therapist’s abuse prevented discovery and in the cases in which there is actual discovery, the defendant should be estopped from raising the statute of limitations as a defense since it was his or her abusive conduct that prevented the patient from acting sooner.” Basically I was busy having a full-blown meltdown and blaming myself, so that prevented the discovery, so I’m cautiously hopeful. I’m making a few phone calls and have sent out a few e-mails (waiting to hear back) and once I find an attorney I’ll mention all of this. I’m frustrated that the group he worked out of is refusing to send me my records, though so that I CAN lodge a complaint, but I suppose that’s what lawyers are for.
If nothing else, I don’t believe there’s any equivalent to a statute of limitations on unethical conduct with a licensing board, and if I can get his ability to practice taken away, that will be good enough for me.
The therapist said to me that he had done that at least once before – set up two clients – and it just fills me with this huge amoung of rage that I can’t seem to get rid of. How DARE somebody with that kind of trust put in them abuse it so catastrophically? I know I’m preaching to the choir, I just needed to say that.
Thank you for your help and I will continue to update if anything of note occurs,
Emily
Emily, you are welcome to vent as much as you want! It’s truly outrageous what these abusive therapists get away with.
If you’re considering a combination of civil action AND a licensing complaint, talk to an attorney before doing anything. Timing can be very important and it’s possible for one action to impact the other.
I am a 55 y.o. femail that had a 7+ years relationship with my therapist. Seven years of hiding how our relationship started (in therapy) has left me pretty messed up and confused. I am working through things with another therapist, but it has not been easy. The trust factor is all but gone. The former therapist has since relinquished her license to mitigate any problems caused by a possible filed complaint. There is a chance she may want to regain her license. Is there a way I can make sure that doesn’t happen? Are complaints left in the licensee’s file to be read when she applies for her license again?
Hi Jeannie,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. A lot depends on the laws in your state, the statute of limitations, and how the licensing board handles complaints. In California, where I live, once there is a judgment on a complaint it goes on the record. So when I look up my ex-therapist’s licensing information online, the complaint is there (and accessible via PDF file). You may also be able to file a criminal complaint against the therapist. Your best bet would be to consult with an attorney who specializes in these types of abuse cases and can advise you regarding your best course of action. I have a couple of attorneys listed on my Legal resources page.
I’m glad to hear you’ve found someone to work with in your healing process. You’re right—it’s not easy, but things will get better over time.
Good luck! Let us know what happens.
~Kristi
I was emotionally, sexually involved recently with my therapist after my therapy ended. However, I told her of my attraction to her while in therapy (toward the end) and she indicated that the “chemistry was there – on both sides” We got involved 3 months after my therapy ended. I contacted her by phone and she agreed to doing something with me, but was the first to say that she was “interested in more than a freindship” with me. I was very attracted and wanted that though I also felt confused at the time since she had said it needed to be 1-2 years after therapy (if ever) before she could have an involvement with a client.
Anyway, we went ahead with this and she ended up being an incredibly controlling, jealous and sometimes degrading “partner”. This started within 3-4 weeks of our involvement and I was totally surprised, confused and struggled with self-esteem and being able to stand up to her. I felt I loved her.
I have been out of this for about 6 weeks and still feel confused about it at times – have a kind of PTSD response to remembering events within the relationship and a time that she confronted/sort of attacked me about somethign at the very end of therapy. I am really torn about possibly reporting her. I realized she is not psychologically or emotionally well – has sort of classis Narcissistic personality and/or borderline. I still care about her and don’t want her livelihood to be affected. I am seeing a new therapist who is helping, but I was so well at the end of therapy with the last one that I’m angry I have to continue with more therapy – I was really at a point of flying on my own.
Hi Beth,
I’m not surprised you’re feeling angry and confused and having PTSD symptoms. Your ex-therapist completely violated her code of ethics and exploited you, whether it seems that way or not. She knew the appropriate boundaries, but she disregarded them and you are paying the price for that. I understand that you care about her and don’t want her livelihood to be affected, but I want to ask you this: How would you feel if she did this to someone else? I think it’s pretty common for therapists who commit these types of violations to be repeat offenders. Do you think, given what you know about her, that she is capable of having healthy, boundaried relationships with all of her patients?
I generally recommend victims speak with an attorney who specializes in these types of cases, just to get the appropriate information. At least talk with someone at the licensing board. Find out what the statute of limitations is for filing a complaint, so that you know how long you have to consider whether or not you want to take action. You’re fresh out of it now. In a few weeks or a couple of months, you may be feeling differently. Don’t feel like you have to make a decision right away.
And yes, it totally sucks that you were doing well before this and now you have to deal with the aftermath of this violation. It was her responsibility to act appropriately and she didn’t, and now you bear the burden. I’m really sorry that you have to go through this!
I wish you all the best!
Kristi
Hello Kristi, the same thing that happened to Beth happened to me but he is married. I started seeing him for couples therapy with my husband who had cheated on me . At the end, I’m going through a divorce and having a sexual relationship with my therapist for almost over a year now. He promised me he would leave his wife and all the things we all want hear when we are in that type of situation. Before meeting him I never would of consider having any type of relationship with a married man, never. But he took advantage of the intimacy of therapy, I trusted him and he took advantage of the situation, of all the information he had from me, my weaknesses to get me to have sex with him and ultimately to fall in love with him. Now his wife has threaten with divorce and he broke it off with me in a matter of hours. He was so cold, so harsh with me I could not believe I was talking to the same person. And even then, while talking in his office about the possible breakup and me crying, he had sex with me, even after he knew he was never going to see me again and he was going to break it off a couple of hours later.
I am so hurt and in so much pain right know, I feel so used. I don’t know what to do. Report him, sue him or just get over it and that should teach me for getting involved with the married man.
Hi Maria,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Yes, this person used you to get his own needs met, and when he no longer needed you, he cut it off. I think you understand (at least on some level), that he abused you and is guilty of sexual misconduct.
As you say in your comment:
Given this, it’s not as simple as “falling in love with a married man.” Because of the therapist-patient dynamic, this wasn’t a relationship of equals where you could have said no without repercussions to your therapy. You didn’t really “consent,” you “complied.” There’s a difference. As for his being married, so many of these abusive therapists are. In some cases, the wives are former patients or students whom they’ve manipulated into the marriage.
You have every right to (a) report him to the licensing board, (b) file a civil lawsuit and possibly even (c) file a criminal complaint, if you live in a state where a therapist having sex with a patient is against the law. I usually recommend that anyone who has been a victim of therapist abuse consult with an attorney regarding their options, even if they’re just thinking of filing a licensing complaint. There are statutes of limitations that need to be considered, so it’s best to get legal advice sooner rather than later. A consultation with an attorney should be free. (See my Legal Resources page for some names.)
If you need additional information or support, feel free to send me a private email through the Contact page.
All the best to you!
Kristi
I took months and months, but I did end up reporting the therapist while working closely with an ethical therapist with very clear boundaries. After 3 months since reporting, I finally got a response from the state that the investigation is officilally open – now nearly a year afeter the end of therelationship. I still have what I would consider PTSD symptoms – fear of running into her somewher, fear of what she migth do when she finds out I’ve reported her, nightmares, etc. Now, having somethign finally moving forward, it all comes back up for me, I realize how awful this really was for my psychological well being. I have had thoughts of wanting to retract my report, but I know that I have to stand up for myself and for other clients who may be impacted – even if not in the same way as me.
I also recently found out about another therapist who did something similar with a client. I know the therapist personally (friendly, but not close friends) and she works in the same office as the therapist I’m now seeing. I am very sure of the information I received being valid. I have felt sick to my stomach about this and am bracing myself to tell my therapist who I think I must tell. Take Care everyone.
I know how hard it can be to deal with what you’re going through, but good for you for taking a stand for yourself and for other potential victims. I, too, felt very afraid about what my therapist might do once he found out I’d filed suit, and I went through a phase of major PTSD. I do have some information on the site about PTSD (and I wrote a post about my own experience with it). I found EMDR to be very helpful in reducing symptoms, but other therapies can work well, too. I’m really glad to hear that you have someone you feel comfortable working with! Best to you in continuing to speak your truth and in your recovery!
I just was wondering if what my old therapist did was inappropriate or if I am just over reacting. About 14 yrs ago, (I was 14) I started going to therapy after disclosing that I had been molested.I was set up with a male therapist. I had never been to therapy before, so I didnt know that I could ask for a female or that certain therapists have specialize in certain issues ect. My therapist had a reclining chair that he sat in and I would sit across from him in regular office type chair. During our session he would lean back in the chair and stick his had down the front of his pants, similar to someone sticking their hand in their pocket I guess only this was straight down the front or “crotch” of his pants. Sometimes I could see his hand moving around thru his pants.
He never really said anything inappropriate, I just thought this behavior was kinda weird. It made me feel very uncomfortable, and I spent most of the sessions looking down at the floor. I dont know what he was doing, if he was rubbing himself/pleasuring himself or what, but I have always wondered if this was ok for him to do, or if my feelings about it are just me overreacting. I only saw him for about a year and a half, then I was transfered (THANK GOD) to a wonderful female therapist whom I still see today. This happened almost 14 years ago and it still bothers me and obviously makes me wonder what exactly was going on. I know due to statutes of limitations I probibly cannot do anything about it, but it might be nice to get some feed back on here, from another person’s perspective. Thanks.
Hi Autumn,
As I can imagine you realize now, your ex-therapist’s behavior was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. The man was masturbating in front of a 14-year-old girl. That is a form of sexual abuse. Have you talked about this with your current therapist? I’d really recommend you discuss this with her. You’re still dealing with it emotionally, and I’m not surprised. I’m glad you’ve found a trustworthy person to work with.
As far as taking action, check with your state’s licensing board. They should have a website where you can look him up and see if he’s still licensed and practicing. If he is, you could contact them regarding your situation and ask about the statute of limitations. It may still be possible to file a complaint.
Good luck!
~Kristi
Thanks. I’m glad to know that someone else feel that what he did was wrong. I know for a fact that he is still licensed and working. In fact he is working at multiple different agencies. (Contracted employee I believe). I just don’t know if I want all the stress and drama that goes along with telling. (Been there, done that.) Plus it just comes down to “he said-she said.” No way to prove it. And I’m the “mental patient” with a “mental history” so I lose credibility there, and I will prolly get shunned for not telling sooner.
Also, if I do decide to disclose, I need to know if this is something, by law; that my therapist is obligated to report.
Telling isnt easy at all. I know from past experience. And telling usually means having to tell over…and over…and over…to many different people in different positions.
I’m so confused…I don’t know what to do. :’(
I understand. Could you ask your therapist if she’s required to report and what would happen if she did, without actually telling her anything? You could also still check his licensing information online to see if anyone else has filed a complaint. I know that my state board’s website shows any complaints filed against the therapist and the resolution. If anyone else has filed a complaint, you are more likely to be believed. You may also be able to file an anonymous complaint, though I’m not sure what happens in terms of an investigation.
Whether or not you decide to take action, I really want to encourage you to tell someone you trust who can help you deal with the emotional issues. What he did was a violation, absolutely. And if you had a mental health history at the time, then the violation is even greater. You could always contact an attorney for a free consultation. Check out my Legal page for names of attorneys who specialize in this area.
Kristi
I just want to say thanks for the support. I somehow got the courage to tell my therapist about what had happened to me during sessions with my previous therapist. It was very hard, emotional, and scary. I was also worried because my old therapist (the one who was inappropriate) was a co-worker with my current therapist. (They are no longer co-workers). So I was afraid that that could complicate matters, but it didn’t. I am still reeling all the emotions from telling this terrible “secret” I’ve been holding on to for all these years and my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I have discussed what my options are should I chose to pursue taking actions against the offending therapist. I am taking time to think about and evaluate what I should do and where things should go from here. I do feel some great sense of relief for finally being able to share this with someone and to be able to take some of this weight off my shoulders.
Thank you.
Congratulations on taking such a big step! Telling requires a lot of courage and also the faith/trust that it will be received in an appropriate way. It sounds like your new therapist was understanding and supportive. Wonderful!
Yes, I’m sure a lot of emotions are coming up for you. Secrets bind energy, so once you start telling, that emotional energy starts to release. That’s a good thing, but not always comfortable! This is a good time to practice self-care. Nurture yourself, give yourself what you need, and make sure you have good support in the people you talk to and spend time with.
Is texting your therapist about sexual situations appropriate?
Hi Kelly,
Are you asking whether it’s appropriate for you to text your therapist about sexual situations? I guess I’m wondering how that’s come about. If your therapist has asked you to do something like that, that seems highly inappropriate. And it would definitely not be appropriate for your therapist to be texting you about their own sexual situations.
Well we often text about my sexuality. Like she texts me to remind me of my appointment but usually end up having six hour texting conversations where she seems to say suggestive things such as lesbians will molest me if I go into an area where I don’t know anyone and seems like she’s trying to mold me into not liking men anymore. She tells me not to molest women jokingly but it kind of seems like she’s working her own fantasies in with my life to see what my reaction would be to them.
Okay, what she’s doing is HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE and sounds like a grooming process. She is way way out of bounds. Her needs, fantasies and suggestions have no place in your therapy. I highly recommend you stop seeing this woman immediately and find another therapist right away. Get a referral from someone you trust. (Personally, I wouldn’t involve your current therapist any more than is necessary, and I doubt she’d give you an appropriate referral.) Then you can think about whether or not you want to report her to her licensing board and file a formal complaint. But first and foremost: Get out and tell people you trust what’s been going on. Then find another professional you can talk to about this.
Good luck! You have my support!
Thanks she just says things that are goofy like I told her I was upset because I saw a man that assulted me and she was like oh don’t mind him if he’s horny. Men don’t care if you don’t kiss them or want a relationship. Go out and screw around and have fun it’s what u should be doing. Like this one thinks I have no problems and that everything I’m doing is natural but if my parents read the texts, idk if they’d let me go back. This person knows where I work too and the one day we texted I said I was at work and twenty minutes later guess who showed up? Was it a coincidence? Married and has kids too?
I was the “client” for 11 years- up until a short time ago. In retrospect, I feel as though I was “groomed” to be his mid-life crisis relief. I’m not young, but younger. For the first couple of years, I was very uncomfortable with his suggestive manner and comments. I usually pretended that it was going over my head. Friends & other people who I knew were also in therapy were increasingly surprised and shocked at what I would describe. But by his point I was hooked and hid and/or lied about our relationship to everybody. It was sexual, but we did not have sexual relations- if that makes any sense. Eventually, we disclosed our feelings and the atmosphere was much more relaxed- extreme intensity without the sex,.. lots of fantasizing. Often, I would try to initiate a discussion about some real-life issue and her would re-direct it back to “us”! This period lasted a few years. We would have our blow-ups, usually me feeling a lack of attention…I tried to leave him but became physically ill every time i did. Fast forward a couple of years- he became increasingly indifferent and unresponsive. I felt as though he was making a pointed effort to show me my “place”… this continued and got worse to the extent where he was rude, he lied, he insulted, he targeted wounds he knew I had, etc. Finally, there was an incident where I was very ill and scared- and he know it. I promise I do not exagerrate that the pet fish of another client would have elicited more empathy….never a follow up (I was hospitalized) until I missed an appointment, at which point he claimed ignorance….(I’d spoken with him at the very height of my fears- go figure) that was the catalyst for me. And I know that he is so narcissistic and self-righteousness that he has no sense of complicity or ownership in anything after all of these years. It makes me so angry and so sick. I wasted so much of my life and energy, not to mention money- on this selfish and manipulative relationship. I need help, I do NOT want to be ruined for life, and he repeated many abandonment issues that he helped me identify!
Just to head off questions-
PhD & LCSW. Well respected, successful, in a busy urban area.
Hi Dominique,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Sadly, what you describe is far too common in these cases of therapist abuse. And it’s true that these therapists are often well-educated and well-regarded. I am deeply sorry for what you’ve gone through, and that it went on for so long. It sounds like you’re out now, so congratulations for extricating yourself from this abusive situation. You say that you need help. Are you concerned mainly about your own recovery or are you also considering taking legal action? In what area do you need the most support? I have quite a few resources on this site and I may also be able to offer some suggestions.
Abuse is a strong word, and I’m increasingly wary of using it, especially given our culture’s propensity to coin the term nowadays.
However, I felt led to this website today, perhaps at the subtle nudge of “Providence”, if you will. I’d been praying for help and healing as I review my experience with depression, along with my concurrent dismal experiences with the mental health profession.
In the course of treating my depression, there’s been one therapist who has stood out among all the clinicians with whom I’ve consulted. The reason for this is that I believe I was abused by her.
Long story short, I began therapy sessions with her during a difficult employment experience that resulted in a severe bout of depression. Though this therapist sounded angry and aggressive on the phone, I was desperate for help, and weakened by my condition. I was also young (early twenties). These factors, I believe, left me vulnerable to her influence.
We met in a semi-dark room , which belonged to another therapist (she stated she was being permitted to use it), once a week for several months. She gave me her business card, which was rather rudimentary: her name, followed by “Mental Health Counselor”, and her telephone number. Later, I found out she was only one or two years older than I.
This therapist did not follow any formal protocols in treating me. They did not perform an intake of any kind, give me surveys to fill out, take notes, or otherwise engage me in regular or periodic assessment. She also did not interview me to obtain a sense of my personality type, to see if her theory and style would be helpful to me.
Though I presented with severe depression, which had incapacitated me emotionally, this therapist launched into an “Adult-Child” theory that was all the rage at the time. She said little or nothing about the events (abusive employer) that led me to seek her services in the first place.
Likewise, future sessions would revolve around interpreting my personal events solely in those terms, to the exclusion of other possibilities or solutions. Anything and everything I did, according to her, was the sole consequence of my childhood upbringing. She also employed a spiritual dimension to her interpretation of my personal life, that it was ordained that it should happen, and that anything which followed would be consistent with what the supernatural intended for me. Being Christian, I found myself susceptible to this viewpoint, however vague and potentially flawed.
After several months of consultation, this therapist, after succeeding in opening up childhood wounds, and failing to appropriately address a bad employment situation, terminated the relationship, stating they had an opportunity to be “supervised” and would be leaving as a result.
In the ensuing weeks, my therapist permitted me to phone her for brief telephone consultation, which I did. However, she received me with an edge of anger, and began accusing me of “setting myself up” in various situations, though she offered no concrete evidence of this. There were also instances of sarcasm and similar accusations during the course of our in-person relationship, but for the sake of brevity, I will not mention them.
After our relationship was completely terminated, I embarked on a course of “recovery” from depression/childhood wounds based upon the feedback I’d received from her during our sessions. I was vulnerable and believed that she spoke the truth about my personal troubles. Though clearly in retrospect, there were many red flags connected with my association with her.
I endured a very protracted depression lasting decades. During this time, not only was I attempting to heal from the events that led me to seek therapy in the first place, but later, I determined that, much to my horror, the therapy itself. I have not spoken of this extensively with anyone, so compromised in my depressive state that I was afraid they would validate my therapist, or something.
Likewise, I endured a kind of private hell. I felt guilty over the course my life took, feeling I was nothing more than the sum total of my childhood experiences, that my parents had ruined me, and that I was acting out this dynamic in everything I touched. My confidence and self-esteem had almost completely eroded over this implication, and that I was likewise setting myself up for more bad experiences. In other words, it was all my fault. I felt terribly infantilized by my therapeutic experience. How ironic that someone who was willing to attribute my negative experiences to what seemed to be a cogent psychological theory, would then turn around and communicate it in a way that impugned me so viciously. A kind of bait-and-switch tactic.
It wasn’t until the emotional distress from the ruminations about this therapist and my experiences became so terribly pronounced that I began to realize that I’d been had. I could no longer live with such tremendous guilt. I then began a “fight” for my mind to reinstate my own good perceptions and reality again, and with that, my confidence. For despite taking her advice over and over, by applying her theory to my life, I was still seriously depressed.
I am better now, but oh, the price I paid to get there! I look back at that decade and a half of depression and have sadly come to classify it as my “lost years”. I languished in a state of bad therapy, undertreated depression, and lack of personal accomplishment and fulfillment from all of this.
There is much more to the story. However, at this point, I would like to know
what, if anything, I can do to get some kind of redress for what I’ve been through. This hogwash took up so much of my life. The whole thing could have been executed much better, resulting in less time and emotion wasted.
I have “followed” this therapist on the Internet, observing movement from place to place. They are now in the state of Kentucky (previously, Virginia). I have sent a couple of anonymous letters to her expressing my frustration over her therapy style, but I don’t feel this is enough.
Any and all support and feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Linda
Linda,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Your experience with this therapist sounds incredibly painful. You’ve clearly done a lot of healing and processing around this and I admire your courage and perseverance in getting to where you are now.
While the statutes of limitations may have run out on a civil case, I would still suggest that you contact an attorney who specializes in this type of abuse to get a professional opinion regarding your options. A good attorney should consult with you for free. (Check my legal page for a few resources.) If this person was licensed or a member of any professional organization at the time of abuse, you may still be able to file some kind of complaint.
I wish you the best of luck in finding some method of recourse and in your continued healing. I hope you are able to find what you need!
Kristi
Dear Kristi,
As you know, emotional distress can be just as devastating as actual physical contact at the hands of an abusive individual. Likewise, that is why I decided to share my story.
Have you had any experience with looking up a mental health professional in a state database to see if their true credentials? Perhaps there is something fishy here with my former therapist, as she seemed to have a bare bones background, and terminated our relationship due to needing “supervision”. Also, I don’t believe she was qualified to see someone with moderate to severe depression.
Thanks,
Linda
P.S. Or, to see if any prior complaints have been filed against them? Thanks.
Yes, I really recommend that people check out a therapist’s licensing information, because that should show whether their license is in good standing and whether there have been any complaints filed against them or administrative actions taken. Usually there is a state website where you can look them up by name/location/license number. And there may be more than one state licensing board. For example, in California, PhDs and PsyDs are licensed through the State Board of Psychology/Medical Board, while MFTs and LCSWs are licensed by the Board of Behavioral Sciences. Each has their own site and license database. It sounds like your therapist may have been an intern if she needed supervision, so she may not have been licensed; but if she was an intern, she should have been supervised by someone who did have a license.
Thank you, Kristi, for your unqualified dedication to helping other “survivors” of therapist abuse.
I will most certainly look into contacting the state where the therapy took place. I will also research the legal angle of it. The problem is, in my case, so much time has passed, with virtually no record of our meetings, save the emotional distress in their wake. At the very least, I should be able to file a formal complaint.
It’s quite possible that filing a complaint may not permit any delays resulting from the inability of the complainant to discover the damage until much later (say, after a statute of limitations has expired), but I will try nonetheless. There has to be SOME accountability.
Thanks again,
Linda
Kristi,
I don’t want to bombard you with every detail of my case, but I just thought I’d mention something.
I was able to find my former therapist in the respective state database, and discovered that the year of her initial certification was 1994. I consulted with her several years BEFORE. This does not bode well, as it suggests she was practicing without a license, or as you suggested, supervision.
Also (to my disadvantage, unfortunately), she was affiliated with two separate mental health clinics during her time in that state, both of which are now defunct.
Linda
I’d suggest contacting the state licensing board and asking them about this. There should be a department that handles complaints and you can ask them for information about whether there is any administrative action you can take. You can also look into your state’s business codes to see if she was in violation. (A lawyer may be helpful with that.)
Good luck!
Dear Kristi,
I wrote to the state about filing an administrative complaint, and not only did I get a speedy reply, but I was told there is no statute of limitations on filing. I was so happy to have that news greet me when I returned home from work today! I feel joyful inside, and have shed tears over this.
So at the very least, I will have some redemption. I may still pursue a civil case, depending on the findings of the respective Board. By the way, do any of your legal resources include pro bono attorneys? I have never been well-endowed financially, and couldn’t realistically afford an attorney.
Sincerely,
Linda
That is great news! I’m really happy that you found that out, and so quickly.
I don’t know of any pro bono attorneys, but I do think it’s a common practice for them to simply take a percentage of a civil settlement (so no up-front fees). That’s how it was for me with my suit. But that may also depend on whether they think they they can win or negotiate a settlement. They should still provide you with a consultation for free and let you know their opinion.
Dear Kristi,
Thanks again for writing back.
My reaction to this has been interesting. In just a few hours, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me, the proverbial “monkey on my back”, only in my case, it was a daggone ape! On some level, it had been weighing me down so heavily. I didn’t realize it until now…sad.
I also feel more empowered than I’ve had in years. When we fall prey to people like my former therapist, we not only temporarily lose our own perceptions and way, we are in a kind of bondage until the spell is broken. And when we seek redress, we take back some or all of the power lost.
I don’t want to get too ahead of myself, as the review board could find my claims to be only mildly offensive, and not worthy of disciplinary action. They may rationalize the therapist’s actions, or use the lack of specific information against me, as so much time has passed. But of several things I am sure: that no one can stop me from filing, that there’s a strong chance she was practicing without a license (and/or proper supervision), and that they may place them on notice that a complaint has been filed, regardless of their final determination on the merits.
Linda
Already you sound so much more empowered! Regardless of what comes of this step, by choosing to take action you are choosing to honor and value yourself and do what is right and best for you. And that’s huge! Congratulations on getting the ape (gorilla, perhaps??) off your back!
What is an alternative therapy to get over psychotherapy where I was sexually molested?
Somehow I simply can not allow my self to stoop low enough to seek assistance from anyone in an industry that employees therapeutic sexual surrogates,
http://www.surrogatetherapy.org/
and then has the lack of integrity to request reimbursement from insurance carriers in the form of :
” Therapy, individual; non specified ”
Anyone know anywhere to pursue another person safe to talk to?
Hi Tom,
I’m not sure what to suggest, because I’ve mostly worked with other therapists since my abuse. To start, you could consider what you’d most like to address and how you’d like to work. Do you want someone to talk to? Do you want to address the body and the physical aspect of the abuse? Do you want to alleviate PTSD triggers? Address the biochemical effects of trauma and stress? There are a number of different ways of working and methods you could try, including various talk and cognitive processes, hands-on physical modalities, more subtle energetic techniques or even spiritual counseling. I think that only therapists can use modalities like EMDR (for addressing trauma), but you could try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), which more non-therapists are using or even hypnotherapy. There are a lot of different ways of dealing with trauma, it’s a matter of finding (a) what you like and feel comfortable with and (b) what works and gives you the results you want.
” I’m not sure what to suggest, because I’ve mostly worked with other therapists since my abuse. ”
__________________________________________________
Kristi;
How in the world are you even comfortable knowing this industry exists, let alone be able to trust being a client again?
You are correct on the first part, and I simply want another person capable and safe to talk to and instruct me how they function in public and how to cope with sexual assault.
At the other end of the scale, EMDR or hypnotherapy are completely out of the question. I’ve seen social workers use this at staff parties and had it done when I was young.
Simple talk with a capable safe individual.
Tom,
I was abused by a person, not an industry. I’ve seen a number of therapists over the course of my life and Dr. T was the only one who abused me. I also have several friends and acquaintances who are therapists, and I know they are caring, respectful and well-boundaried in their work. Similarly, I had really good results with EMDR, working with a good therapist. EMDR worked for me. But it’s not going to work for everyone. I am entitled to have my own experience and feelings just as you are entitled to have yours. I’m not going to tell you what you should do, and I would hope you would have the same respect for me.
So unfortunately my area of knowledge is mostly about types of therapy that are practiced by therapists and counselors. Aside from spiritual counseling, I’m not sure who might offer that kind of talk support without also being a licensed therapist. There may be some groups for victims that are run by people with other kinds of training, but that’s not something I have experience with.
Maybe someone else has some ideas?
How did you find the trust to sit with one of these people behind a closed door again? Let alone consume even more $$.
Being an older male, I don’t receive much validation from the predominant female psych industry either.
I suppose after all these years, I must face the fact this is a dead end. There will be no resolution from abuse from professional counselors or therapist, and especially so for a male.
Damn.
Tom S. in Tn.
That’s pretty disturbing. First of all, she’s dismissing your feelings and concerns, so you’re not being heard. Then, she’s telling you what she thinks you should do. That’s not exactly empowering the client. And she’s showing up at your work?? Most therapists try to avoid contact with clients outside of sessions. This is starting to sound more like stalking…
She’s really blurring the boundaries. I definitely recommend discussing this with a different therapist.
Yeah she told me like I was pretty and when I said I got a haircut she goes I was hoping you didn’t cut it all off! But I actually looked up grooming process and it makes sense. Allowing me to talk to her outside of work, making inappropriate jokes. Encouraging the use of pornography and premarital sex. Ignoring the issues that I feel that I have and replacing them with the ones she pretends I have. I have issues with relationships and basically she told me I did not give off the serious relationship vibe hence metiforically calling me loose to say it nicely. Gaydar apparently is big with her too. Saying she has it and can always tell who is. My parents are unemployed and our insurance doesn’t take many places so it’s hard for me to find another therpist and she knows this. I’ve only met with her for a month now and this is what has been going on. What should I expect in six months?
Especially since she knows my abuse backround, don’t you think shed watch what she says? I wonder if she talks to all her clients or am I getting special treatment? I tried to tell her things i wanted her to know and I told her to write down her comments, well that lasted 5 mins she can’t stop talking! Then I lose my train of thought and the problem goes unresovled. Unless that’s what she trying to do? I’m a mess, there’s so much more I could say about the situation even though we’ve only had three appts!!!
Am I overreacting? Is this her way of being friendly? This how she thinks she can get through to me, befriend me, get me to trust her and then move in? My teacher did this with me and she knows about it and did mention oh you know you can ruin them but you didn’t. Does that make me more vulnerable to her?
Okay. You’re going to be fine. You don’t say how old you are, but if you’re living at home, you need to tell your parents what’s going on. If not them, then some other trusted adult. Your therapist cannot be trusted. If she is already doing these things after only a month, it’s likely to get worse. This woman is being incredibly manipulative and pulling a power play on you. She knows you have boundary issues and she’s using that to take advantage of you. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more power she’ll have, and the harder it will be to get out—so you need to get out NOW. Even if that means doing without therapy for a little while.
I want to be clear: This is not going to get better. She’s an abusive therapist. You need to get away from her.
I am nineteen, my parents would go through the roof if they read the texts. That’s how I kinda knew something could be wrong. Do you think that she thinks I know what she’s trying to do? Because when my teacher abused me he would text me at first like her and eventually he worked his way into the picture and used himself in the texts and that’s what I feel she could be doing? Does she has the potential of being sexually abusive with me or is this a power thing with me? She told me there was no way I was 19 at least 30 to her so she thinks I’m at her level
A trustworthy therapist will have GOOD boundaries. This woman doesn’t.
If a teacher of yours violated teacher-student boundaries with you, then you may be more vulnerable right now to people who exploit their positions of power. So it’s absolutely imperative that you find therapists—and other helping practitioners—who have excellent, clear boundaries and RESPECT yours. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to repair/develop your own boundaries. This may actually make them seem less friendly. They won’t be taking over your space, trying to influence your thinking, telling you what to do, etc. They won’t try to be your “friend.” Instead, they will respect you—and you will notice the difference. Listen to your intuition and pay attention to those little red flags in your head. Don’t try to rationalize away or excuse someone’s bad behavior. You have a right to say no and to have that respected.
We never even talked about boundaries. There weren’t any. I have her my number in case she needed something, she texted we started texting but now I’m wondering what she wants to gain from these texts? Ignore me being upset and make an excuse for him becuase he’s horny!!! Whatttttt? She tells me to use people for sex and not think about long term things anymore and just have fun. Her advice basically states live life without boundaries!
Yes, this could become sexual. That would be another way for her to gain power over you and make you dependent on her. She likes having this kind of control. If it becomes sexual it won’t be about love, it will be about power. In her mind, they may mean the same thing.
Tell your parents and let them go through the roof. They need to know so that they can take action before anything worse happens. They can contact her licensing board and file a complaint. If this becomes sexual, it may also be against the laws in your state. (Every state is different.)
I thought this type of relationship wa supposed to take months to years? I know virtually nothing about her except she has a husband and a kid and she knows I like to date older women. Half of this was my fault for opening up to her and telling her everything, even sexual things. When I told her about the teacher she thought that was horrible and that they should know better and so I trusted her thinking she really just cared about me and wanted to know it all and wouldn’t cross the line. I mean therapists and clients texting is if it pertains to mental health but lesbians in the ocean and sex don’t really . Tried to nicely tell her we’d be better friends and she told me it wasn’t sad about her being my therpist bc she’s a good friend to me in the ecessence bc she is a good listener. She seems to be trying to add extra things in her texts such as lesbians molesting me and trying to justify the fact that we aren’t friends but in one way sorta are? This is such a mind maze. : (
None of this is your fault. You believed you were telling your story to someone who was worthy of trust. And as a therapist she should be worthy of trust. But she’s not. She’s not respecting your boundaries. In fact, she’s violating them. Therapists aren’t supposed to be your “friend.” Therapists don’t treat their friends, and they don’t form friendships with people they’re currently treating. That’s simply not good boundaries. They’re supposed to create a safe space for you to work through your stuff without fear or judgment.
Yeah I mean I know I don’t start the sexual talk at all. Usually she states something that pertains to somethig sexual. She told me for someone who hates men so much that I talk like a dude!
If you haven’t already, check out the Treatment Abuse Checklist.You can show it to your parents, too. Talk to them, and you or they can cancel any upcoming appointments you have with your therapist. Then get a referral for another therapist. Going back to this woman just puts you further at risk. There’s no point in seeing her anymore. Her behavior is harmful to you and your mental health.
I have faith that you have the strength, power and courage to walk away. You didn’t start the abuse but you can stop it.
If you’d like to converse more, you (and your parents, if they want) can contact me through the Contact page to send me a private email.
Take good care of yourself!
Thanks for your support! I will contact you of anything else happens
If*
You’re absolutely welcome! Let me know what happens!
Actually, because I knew I needed help ASAP, I basically went right back into therapy. I had to get some support and I didn’t have anyone else. But I would only see a female therapist. There was no way I was going to see a man. I live in an area where there are, like, a million therapists, and I got a referral that worked out. That being said, I’ve had several subsequent therapists and did eventually work with a man for a short while, which turned out to be okay. I learned I had to get really clear about what I was looking for, and spend significant time speaking with prospects on the phone, asking questions and listening to their responses, before I would go have a paid session with them. I had to start paying close attention to how I felt when I spoke to them and honor any red flags that came up for me. That interview process was really, really important. Doing all that helped me learn how to take care of myself and ask others to respect my boundaries, and that was a very important lesson for my recovery.
I’ve heard other men say how hard it can be for them to find someone they can work with. There are definitely more female therapists than male, but a lot of men only want to work with another man. It’s possible there are some respectable people who do therapy by phone, if that would be of any help. There are also various healing arts practices that help resolve trauma and incorporate some talking/counseling, but they can be a bit esoteric… I’ll definitely keep my eyes and ears open for any possibilities.