Comments on: Don’t Call It Consent: Being Groomed for Sex

By: "Coffee"

"Coffee" — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 17:03:43 +0000

I’m in this “club” too, Karen. I believe the damage from the physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse is beyond what most people, I suspect even the abuser, can comprehend. I would not wish this all-encompassing suffering on anyone, not even him. Like you, and certainly so many others, this is with me every day. Lately, though, I’ve noticed that there are moments when I consciousely choose to not let it be at the top of my mind. And in those moments, and they are all too brief, healing is able to take root. It makes me realize that we can’t give the abusers “top billing” in our minds and hearts because in doing so we continue to hand all the control over to them. Among the few things I can pray about anymore are victims of this type of abuse. You are now among them in my prayers.

By: Kristi

Kristi — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 17:44:51 +0000

Wendy,
I hear you are going through a really tough time. I am really sorry to hear that you are not getting the support you would like from your attorney. I know from my own experience that things don’t always go exactly how we want them to go. Sometimes it turns out to be for the best; other times, it’s just damn frustrating. I know I was really attached to having one of our press releases picked up—which never happened, despite all the effort I put into it. I took it really hard. However, partly as a result of that, we now have this website and blog. I might never have started it if I hadn’t been so desperate to express myself and say what had happened. So, you never know. Whatever happens in your situation, I hope you can find some acceptance for it. Sometimes when we let go of what we’re holding onto, some space opens up for healing and for new things to come in. Yes, the situation sucks. Yes, your lawyer has you in a corner. Yes, you’re feeling anxious, frustrated, depressed, angry…. If you let it be what it is and stop struggling (and stop trying to not feel the feelings), what happens? I can’t remember if you’re seeing a therapist, but this is good stuff to work on with someone who can hold the space for you. Your healing doesn’t depend on what does or doesn’t happen with this. You are in your healing process regardless, and you will heal. I am in no way trying to tell you what to do. Let your intuition guide you.
Much love and care to you!

By: Calmbreezesnow

Calmbreezesnow — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 05:36:53 +0000

Kristi, you are a brilliant writer, able to put into words what I struggle with so frustratingly to say, concerning the abuse by my massage therapist. Please keep writing, at least until I recover from the PTSD, as my head is still swimming almost three years later. My attorney thinks the jury will see my returning as consent, and will therefore, ultimately find me guilty. He has bumped me up against a dismissal deadline-my attorney! He is forcing me to let my case go, at least that is how it appears to be. I can’t start over, the statute of limitation is long gone at this point. I feel as if I am still trying to get someone to believe me, to listen to me and understand what happened to me. This sucks! My massage therapist Chris A. did all of the manipulating talked about in these articles on abuse, thank God he’s not a psychotherapist.

By: karen

karen — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 20:20:54 +0000

Just as many others has said this is all too familiar .I’m in the middle of this situation right now.This was my licensed christian counselor/ and pastor.I can see how he groomed me over many years.He allowed me to believe I was like a daughter to him.Recently I found out that he has already done it to 2 other women in the church.which truthfully I think there are many more.We did expose him in the church and are trying to move forward.I tell you every moment of the day I find myself thinking about it.It has nearly destroyed me emotionally,physically,& spiritually.I’m quite surprized of how often this is happening.Hopefully one day I’ll be strong enough to help others this happened to but for now i’m just trying to survive each day

By: Brian

Brian — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 23:50:23 +0000

While this is about sexual activity in a fiduciary relationship, I believe that there is no such thing as true sexual consent in ANY abusive relationship. The lack of consent is simply clearer to see in a fiduciary relationship or adult/minor sexual relationship, but even in “regular” sexual relationships (those between adults outside of a fiduciary or custodial role), consent isn’t possible without the ability to say no.

If a man smacks a woman every time she refuses sex within a relationship, then consent cannot be possible, even if she “agrees” to sex some of the time.

Power differences between abusive “partners” and their victims, or between anyone and some abuse victims, are just as much a factor in relationships as those between adults/minors or professionals/clients.

Many aspects of abusive relationships can be found across categories – i.e. both sexually abusive therapists and child molesters groom victims. The purpose of abusive relationships regardless of origin is to gain (or increase power) and control over a victim.

By: Kristi

Kristi — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 03:21:04 +0000

Wow. Some of that sounds frightening similar. Dr. T was quite the yogi, claimed to be friends with a famous yoga teacher (who left the area after being accused of having an affair with one of his students…birds of a feather??), and said he’d likely been doing yoga for lifetimes. (I wrote a little more about his “spirituality” in the Search for Healing posts.)

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. Have you considered taking legal action? Whatever you decide, I wish you the best for your healing. If you’d like to contact me privately, you can use the contact page to send me an email.

By: miriam

miriam — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 01:58:42 +0000

HI Kristi….
wow…wow…wow….
you seem to be talking about me and my story with my former T. i am still under such a spell. But so many common elements make the story familiarly freaky. For one thing, his having ‘an arrangement’ with his wife.
i felt so privileged… imagine that- he chose ME over her. I was positive that he chose me because i was more intelligent, more supportive, more intuitive than her. He and I were obviously much more suited to each other and i had finally found ‘the’ One.

I kept waiting for the day he would announce we were so blissfully happy together that he was leaving his wife to be permanently with me.

i was making all the arrangements- working hard, saving money, building a nice career, making sure i had plenty of assets in my trust to put at his feet the second he would say ‘i do’…

The other detail…his love for yoga.
i often wonder if his devotion was real or if it was part of the grooming process. After all, being a disciple of yoga is about being spiritual, forgiving, a peacemaker. It would provide the awakening that would preclude anger and litigation. and then there were the beautiful women in yoga class… he’d often pay much attention to them and then inform me that a couple of them were lesbian and that i would be a wonderful partner for them.

I remember the shock…the pain, the confusion. if we were really a couple, why introduce me to anyone else??
kundalini yoga… what i think is his greatest gift. from there he convinced me that I needed to see a tantric to have ‘mystical’ sex with.

he wanted to have me experiment with a lot of things. Need i say more?? i was terrified, but did comply. it was catch 22. if i complied, i would please him. but i incurred the risk of being left for infidelity. if i didn’t comply he would take off on me for not wanting to please him. but i would have proven my faithfulness to him and thus passed the test.

confusion, pain, addiction, anxiety, fear, elation, relief, regression, projection, anger, forgiveness, heaven and hell all have combined in one cancerous mass.
and when i asked about when might we be together at last, as he said, he simply said ‘i don’t think i can do that’.

thanks for your posts.
M

By: Tim

Tim — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:35:00 +0000

Kristi,
You did well! Another excellent entry. Your work is so very important. You are one of the front runners in exposing this. Your bravery in exposing what happened to you is so powerful! I am proud to call you my friend as well. Keep up the good fight!